if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.