saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?