fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
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Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.