shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
