I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
