so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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