She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize