Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
