Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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