Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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