You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
