He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
