im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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