Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
