What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
