I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
