OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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