My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I supernannyed him into submission
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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