Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
