Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
