Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
