I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
