i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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