So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
