Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
