the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
