Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I don't deserve a penis
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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