i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
