You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
