you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize