I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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