mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
