Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
