things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
