He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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