I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
