mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
