I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
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You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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