my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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