Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
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my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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