I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
