i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
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She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
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Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?