That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
two words...techno handjob
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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