So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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