the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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