I faked an abortion last night.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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