I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
