Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
