I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
