I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
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You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
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She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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