I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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