ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
