lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
