wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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