Only a mothe r could love this liver
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
