Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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