apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
